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With the excitement and diversion of the summer long behind me, the final few months of the year - though filled with the adventure of having a new job, and such an excellent one at that - was when I truly began to lash out and discover a great deal of awfullness in everything around me. A great deal of that passed away after New Year's.

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November 2001 (con't.)

Wednesday, November 21

We take a plane to St. Paul for Thanksgiving with Denny.

Thursday, November 22

Thanksgiving.

"Thinking of my 'next play' in the shower. It's possible BETC may never do another show until this one is ready. I can write this ... I just need a shape. I may jump back and forth in time, the play should end with my holding Calvin. It starts with my asking 'Ever notice how many stories involve men holding babies?'"

Toni and Denny fronting for San Pellegrino at Thanksgiving dinner.

The three of us make dinner, and got real tight drinking 'white ladies.' We have a great time.

Friday, November 23

We see "Tartuffe" at Theatre de la Jeune Luene.

Saturday, November 24

We see "The Man Who Wasn't There." Seems like we usually see a Cohen brothers movie when we're in St. Paul. Denny makes spaghetti and we all drink way too much.

Sunday, November 25

Returned home.

A strange conflict happens between my parents over a poinsettia. Dad wants to dedicate a poinsettia to Calvin at his church, which Toni I think is great. Mother thinks it's odd, and suggests dedicating a poinsettia to all our relatives who have passed away. Dad insists on dedicating it to Calvin alone.

Monday, November 26

We have a pregnancy scare. Toni is on a strong, new birth control pill and she hasn't had a period yet. Neither of us are emotionally ready to have a new pregnancy. (It turns out to be false.)

Thursday, November 28

I have dinner at the Great Lakes Brewing Co. with Dobama's Night Kitchen artistic director Dan Kilbane about the future of that project.

Friday, November 29

George Harrison dies.

December 2001

Saturday, December 1

"What a sad day it became. It took me a long time to get to work, but I was taking care of myself, and Toni. I cut my hair, and shaved, and took a long shower. I made Toni and myself eggs and toast. And by the time she left for yoga at around 11:30, it seemed like I was ready to go.

"For a little more than an hour I was cleaning. I used the Chore Jar and wiped windows, and vacuumed Calvin's room - which was nice, it was a little neglected. I filled the fountain, and straightened things up. This was a very fortunate thing later.

"At around one thirty Toni called extremely upset. She has been overcome with pregnancy imagery and talk the past week, it seems like she always finds herself by a table of women talking babies, or today at yoga two people were going on about neo-natal yoga. She had a breakdown in the parking lot, called me, and she canceled her massage appointment with Rachelle. She came home instead.

"First this was just upsetting because 1) I don't like to see Toni upset and more selfishly 2) I knew my day was completely f*cked, but I didn't know how yet. This is the way these days go - I can't pull it together Friday night and Toni flies to pieces on Saturday. And then I do. But that came a little later.

"To calm Toni down, I led her to Calvin's room, and it was nice and clean and, you know, our dead son's room. I held her and let her cry and we talked and sooner or later I was crying. I couldn't help it, I was shaken to the core.

"Eventually we were able to get some other things done - I had begun to dread leaving town tomorrow, especially as we hadn't done our Christmas shopping for my English relatives yet. I felt bad enough Lydia didn't get her birthday present on time. But we went out and did grocery shopping and got presents and Toni even started to get into the spirit and wanted to try and get a tabletop tree, but they didn't have them yet at the nursery we like to go to.

"I got everything packed up for Henrik's family and we ordered pizza for dinner. But we still weren't through ... I can't remember how it happened but I was entirely morose. Something just got to me and I was feeling so angry - my thoughts these days are all full of work. Memorizing lines (which I'm not) and getting notes which feel like I am being scolded - and my boss has one child and another on the way - everyone can have children but we can't. We tried to have one and it died, that doesn't happen. And no one cares anymore and we are made to feel bad because we are wallowing in our grief but more accurately everyone else has moved on without us and we are still here.

"I HATE EVERYONE is what I was saying, I HATE THIS SO MUCH and I HATE EVERYONE. Everyone but me and Toni.

The Temple of Tolerance in Wapokoneta, OH.

"Well, I calmed down enough to get Christmas events straight with Mom and Dad. And Toni is doing some more work and I signed the Christmas cards (as well as addressed them and stamped and return addressed them, though Toni chose the design as long as we are keeping score) and now Toni has to sign and stuff them and get them in the mail."

Sunday, December 2

Departed for another week in residency, in Augailze County. The week will be spent living in an apartment over an abandoned storefront with two other GLTF teams.

Monday, December 3

We visit the "Temple of Tolerance" in Wapakoneta. I haven't ever been this homesick.

"People used to make comments about how Toni and I should cherish our remaining moments of peace together. And hey - we got even more 'peace' instead. It is unwanted silence. I hope people refrain from making such comments next time."

Tuesday, December 4

Toni makes her first dental appointment. Ever.

Wednesday, December 5

The school my partner and I are working at this week conduct a social experiment called "Be a Jew Day." Write me and I will tell you about it.

That evening,our host Rachel takes a few of us on her tour of the "Little Cross-Topped Churches of Augailze County." Who knew there were so many Catholic churches in south-central Ohio? I am not a religious person, but lately I have found myself lighting candles in memory of Calvin in Catholic churches and cathedrals all over the world ... on the south bank of the Thames ... in Maria Stein, Ohio ...

I have developed a special affection for the Child of Prague.

Friday, December 7

Departed for home.

Saturday, December 8

I go to the mall, alone, for some Christmas shopping, became disoriented and overwhelmed, and go home without getting anything.

We see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" at Cleveland Public Theatre.

Monday, December 10

This week's assignment: my alma mater, Bay High School. Weird.

Thursday, December 13

"Struck with a mildly profound sense of mortality shortly after getting into my car. I felt good, alert, not headachy and drowsy like yesterday. And then I thought, well, I will be in this car, sedentary, for the next 45 minutes, how might I change, physiologically - how much will my muscles atrophy? How many brain cells will I lose?

"And then I thought, how do I do this? How does my body regenerate, spontaneously, the blood, the muscle - all else is still, even ourselves after death. When we die we will be as inert as a pillow, a car, and yet alive we move through space. What moves us? How did we get this?"

Tuesday, December 18

My father and I attend the midnight screening of "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring."

Wednesday, December 19

Depart for Athens for the holidays.

Thursday, December 20

Ninth month.

Tuesday, December 25

I write a Christmas letter to Calvin.

I am wearing the Calvin & Hobbes T-shirt I had rediscovered in my attic on Labor Day. The shirt also inspires me to write the first draft of an article that ends up being published in the Cleveland Magazine.

Wednesday, December 26

I return home, alone, for a few days of winter rehearsal with GLTF. I receive my college girlfriend's Christmas card, the one that explains why she has been out of touch.

Thursday, December 27

Dan Folino is Hedwig.

I see "Hedwig" at CPT - again, this time with Mom, Dad and Denny.

Saturday, December 29

I return to Athens for New Year's. Plans had been that a number of people would join us for New Year's ...

"The Pedacis canceled before the holidays, Denny said he preferred not to come down for three days, and yesterday the Cullinan's backed out. Toni's fears of having too many people for New Year's have dissipated, replaced by the realization that we will be spending our holiday (note: Toni and I have spent every New Year's in the same place since 1990) New Year's, the way we began this year, alone. No, more than alone, we had a third with us last year and he is gone. He said hello for the first time on New Year's Eve, but we had to say good-bye to him a long time ago.

"I cried a lot yesterday. Walking to the office building. In the bathroom during the day at rehearsal - I looked at myself in the mirror, I look so old (it's the beard.) Then in the car, just as I was driving into town. A still, dark boy. They put him in a bowl. We gave birth, just like others have, only our baby was quiet, still, dead. I wonder if I will be able to write this play, I really think I should, that there is an important story to tell, but recently, as the events of 2001 come to a close and I think of how to shape such a story, what details to put in, I remember this really happened, it comes much closer to me than it has in months. Actually, this has been a difficult month, this month and November, a lot of crying and yelling. And crying. I told Toni about when I first got here, and I cried then, too. I almost cried finishing the previous paragraph.

"I feared, but looked forward to 1999 - there were things to accomplish. I feared, but looked forward to 2000 - and I was rewarded with optimism, a new sense of bonding with my family, and my theater company. I only looked forward to 2001 - the year my first child would be born.

"What is 2002? 1999, 2000, 2001 - numbers rife with meaning, significance, the weight of proscribed history. I do not know what to make of Oh-Two. It is the year all of my credit cards need to be renewed. But who will I be? What will I do?"

Monday, December 31

"We have finally reached the end of Two Thousand One. Good riddance. Toni and I spent the day in Parkersburg and Belpre with Barry and Kathryn, we had Mexican food at an okay Mexican place, and then walked around a used bookstore, one housed in an old Carnegie Library. Tonight we will have dinner at Casa, and come home to watch Dick Clark, by ourselves. Nothing momentous. No board games with close friends, no huge party celebrating the millennium, no cuddling up warm and cozy in our hotel bed, watching the freezing cold celebration going on one mile away at Niagara Falls, nestled in ignorant happiness with our rapidly developing, doomed child.

"Last night, sitting on the couch I remembered what we had been doing on December 30th last year. It was cold then, too, and we were walking around Niagara Falls after dark. There were people everywhere though the crowds were starting to thin. We took a horsy ride around the park. Toni was pregnant, it was all about being pregnant. Her head was covered, we bundled up in the carriage, I remember the driver wouldn't stop talking to us but that didn't matter, It was still just the two (three) of us, happy, in love, impending parents. We were going to be parents. We were going to have a baby. Sometimes I simply cannot cope with the idea that I will never be happy like that again. I have been sad before, and I am not particularly sad now (okay, I have tears in my eyes, but that's not what I mean) but I will never be happy, like that, ever again.

"Toni has been so brave. She is here, present, with me. We laugh, we make each other laugh all the time. She is healthy, and discovering some kind of peace. She has her yoga and I can see the difference it makes. I wish there were something like that for me."

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