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July 2001

Saturday, July 1

We return to Cleveland via Amtrak's Lakeshore Limited.

Toni and I attend a staged reading of "Rinse" by Raqui Brown at Dobama Theatre.

Wednesday, July 4

I return to my hometown for an Independence Day 5-mile run, entirely out of shape. I surprise myself by finishing it - and in 44 minutes, too.

Friday, July 6

We attend opening night of Cleveland Shakespeare Festival's "Much Ado About Nothing."

Saturday, July 7

Friends Dan and Nicole and their three year-old daughter Zoe join us from North Carolina.

"The time between learning of Calvin's death and when we left, that was one period. Can't even call it time. Time passed, for sure, it was cold (well, it was sunny and warm the day we came home from the hospital, and got cold again fast) and the spring came and the garden was developed and a room was painted and the food came and then stopped and the help came and it stopped and the calls came and they stopped ... but it was all of one. I cannot remember some times the order things happened. We went to Athens on three occasions? Denny was in town once? Twice? Only twice. I cannot remember sometimes."

Sunday, July 8

Nicole informs me that my ex-wife has moved to Raleigh, North Carolina. She had been living in the Cleveland area, though I hadn't been in contact with her since 1999. This comes as a great relief.

"Now I do not have to worry about running into her on the street, ever again. I can stop worry about seeing her walking down the sidewalk as I am driving by. She is no longer here, she may never be here again. It's over."

Monday, July 9

Toni resumes and I begin yoga training. I will last one session, and it will become an integral part of Toni's life.

Friday, July 13

We find out one of our friends is pregnant - and will be having a baby in March, 2002. "This will not be easy."

That night Dobama's Night Kitchen hosts the "80s Dance-A-Thon" to raise money for the "Angst:84" trip to FringeNYC. For me, it is one last dip in the pool of teenage nostalgia (I hope.)

I participate in the dance-a-thon, and am one of the finalists. I do not win, but am awarded the "Best Dancer" award - a sympathy award from my friends in attendance, I can assure you.

It is a long and exhausting day for Toni, and though she dresses up in New Wave style, and fulfills her responsibilities, she spends a great deal of the party in the Green Room, away from the crowds.

Friday, July 20

Fourth month.

Sunday, July 22

Toni's sister Adrienne arrives to join the company of "Angst:84."

Tuesday, July 24

First rehearsal for the new production of "Angst:84." I am assistant directing and running the sound.

Thursday, July 26

My thirty-third birthday.

August 2001

Thursday, August 2

Our midwife had promised to contact us with the autopsy this day, and Toni sits by the phone all day. The morgue was supposed to fax it to her but never did, I call the morgue and get terse. It is deeply upsetting to have to do this - contact the morgue, not get terse.

"I sat in the shower and bawled for a very long time. By the time I straightened up and stood up and started crying again, just helpless. I thought of our boy. I thought of myself as a child, as an adolescent. I thought of my poor Toni and why does she have to go through this. I thought of the randomness of my life, and it all seemed so pointless and I don't know why we have to go through with this. I despaired.

"Toni came in but it was awful, she tried to comfort me, but not hard enough, she was thinking of herself, lost in her own fears, sadness. We had a fight in the bedroom which ended with me just breaking down entirely and letting out everything I was afraid of, everything I hated about myself ... no, what did I talk about ... I told her about the person who was growing inside of me as Calvin was growing. Of the person inside of me, the new person I was going to be. And how life made sense then, I was understanding myself, and her, and my Father, and God, and the world and life. And then Calvin died, and though I couldn't say this new person in me was dead, he is trapped in some kind of limbo and he is sad and angry that he never got to be born, either."

Friday, August 3

Our midwife finally gets the autopsy. We will meet her on Monday.

Monday, August 6

Big spread on Toni and "Angst:84" in the daily paper, promoting Tuesday's one-night-only benefit performance in Cleveland Heights before we take off for NYC.

We see our midwife, she gives us the autopsy in full.

"Calvin had been dead one to two weeks before he was born. Some of his skin was deteriorating. His brain was beginning to liquefy.

"He had been dying for maybe a week before. The preeclampsia hit Toni hard, and early, it was everything they said, nothing different. Calvin was an entirely normal, healthy baby, until Toni's blood pressure skyrocketed, repeatedly, and he couldn't get the nourishment he needed. There was amniotic fluid in his lungs - he had attempted to breathe because he didn't have enough oxygen. He tried to take his first breath there, in the womb. Our poor boy. Our poor son. And we had absolutely no idea. It is terrifying.

"But we know so much more about him, about who he was, and about what he went through. It is better, and worse. We each took time bawling, almost screaming our anguish. So much for my worrying about getting over it too soon. I will miss him always. I will always want my first son. I will never have my first son."

Wednesday, August 8

Standing-room only performance of "Angst:84" at Dobama Theatre, the big send-off before the Fringe Festival. Lot of love in that room.

Thursday, August 9

"Angst:84" cast at the New York Fringe Festival

We depart for NYC with two vans, a car and a U-Haul. There are 14 people in our company, half of them teenagers. We arrive in the lower east side, at the Present Company, in 100-plus degree heat. We tech the show in our underwear.

Check out the ANGST:84 in NYC Photo Gallery

Friday, August 10

Brief mention of the show in the New York Daily News. My brother Denny has arrived for opening night, so has Dobama artistic manager Joyce Casey. It's a good show, with no mistakes or errors. It's extremely hot in the space.

Watched "Halo" and later "Navajo Memoirs" (that last a solo performance piece.)

Saturday, August 11

Second performance.

We see "Secret Deliriums of a Rented Mind" and "Jesus Gets the Blonde." I actually have relatives I had never met before as featured performers in "Jesus."

Sunday, August 12

Toni and I at The Cloisters.

A number of the company head to Fort Tryon Park and the Cloisters. Denny returns to St. Paul.

Third performance, we lose audience members due to the heat.

We see "Chosen," an hysterical and inspiring solo performance.

Monday, August 13

I attend workshops, see "The Child Catcher" and "Wasn't Any Law Could Take Him Alive."

No performances of "Angst:84" today, Leah and I get really lost wandering around under the Brooklyn Bridge after dark. She said she wasn't scared, and maybe she wasn't, but then she had only just turned 16, and me? I was taking care of someone else's child.

Tuesday, August 14

We see "People Like Us" (solo performance) and we have our fourth performance.

Wednesday, August 15

Hung over from two beers. We see Toni's cousin in "Dr. Faustas Lights the Lights."

We have several days without performances. We choose to get in line in Central Park to see the star-studded production of "The Seagull." The entire company is camping all night out for these prized, free tickets.

Thursday, August 16

Camping out on Central Park West.

We get our tickets, nap through the afternoon, and see "The Seagull" that night.

Friday, August 17

We visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Saturday, August 18

Final two performances, at noon and again at 11:45 PM

In the meantime, We check out four more shows, "Fifty Minutes", "Last Laugh", "Leaf in the Mailbox" and "Studio."

Sunday, August 19

We return for home. While we were gone they closed the Coventry Arabica. Summer is over.

Monday, August 20

Fifth month.

"I might write a play. I might have to. Driving home yesterday I was thinking about 'The Vampyres,' playing the soundtrack and everything, and how I could improve it. But then I thought of myself, in a one-man show, a show about a man losing his unborn son. A play for a father without a child. Could I do this thing? I almost feel I have to, that it would be my way of telling the story. Maybe it should be about my son, and me, and my father, and his father. There's a story there, right? I don't know. It would be hard. My green sweater. My green hightops. My birthing outfit."

Wednesday, August 22

I weigh 165 pounds.

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