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January 2001

A horsey ride around Niagara Falls.

Monday, January 1

Spending New Year's Eve at and around Niagara Falls, Ontario. We stay at an inexpensive motel. Toni feels Calvin kick for the first time in the middle of the night.

Tuesday, January 2 (Week 19)
Rehearsals resume for an ensemble writing project I am directing for Dobama's Night Kitchen about the Gulf War, called "The Gulf." Rehearsals are roughly three nights a week.

Thursday, January 4

The hospital has been putting us on edge. We decided Toni should have a Triple-Check done, to test for birth defects. Yesterday, some anonymous nurse (as opposed to either if our midwives) left a message on our answering machine urging us to contact the lab. Toni was on the phone all day today, trying to find out what is wrong.

"I don't even wish to think to closely on this, see, it probably isn't necessary but we must think about the worst to be prepared for it. But I want to be close to the baby, singing to it, telling it stories but then I have already become so attached if anything should go wrong I will be one sad man."

Toni's AFP levels are high, however, which suggests the possibility of Spina Bifida. An ultrasound is scheduled to check the fetuses' development.

Tuesday, January 9 (Week 20)

"There's a reassuring voice in my head that tells me everything will be all right, and that voice is called denial. I simply cannot honestly fathom what to do if anything were wrong, so I don't. I acknowledge the possibility but take comfort (perhaps too much comfort) in the odds."

The ultrasound shows that there are no abnormalities, and we relax. Toni has her blood tested again, and we assume this test will show her AFP levels to be normal.

Thursday, January 11

Toni's AFP levels are still higher than they should be. Another ultrasound is scheduled.

Friday, January 12

The second round of ultrasound pictures are also perfect. We see Calvin moving around, doing backflips and all kinds of things. This will be the last time we see him before he is born.

Saturday, January 13

Toni and I attend Ensemble Theatre's production of "Shakespeare's R&J." There are a lot of people we know there, and during intermission we pass around our new ultrasound photos.

Tuesday, January 16 (Week 21)

I do a radio interview for "The Gulf." The announcer asks what my next project will be and I say "I'm having a baby." She remarks, impressed, that I am not even showing.

Friday, January 19

I attend opening night of the world premiere of Sarah Morton's "Safety" at Dobama Theatre.

Friday, January 19 - Sunday, January 21

Toni is an actor in Radical.Evil.Drama's "The Cycle of Repression," written and directed by J.P. Morgan. The event takes place in an art gallery in Tremont.

Tuesday, January 23 (Week 22)

Friday, January 26

"The Gulf" opens.

Saturday, January 27

Toni moderates a discussion at Cleveland Public Theatre's New Plays Festival.

Tuesday, January 30 (Week 23)

I weigh 170 pounds.

February, 2001

Friday, February 2

"The creature (as we now call it) is very active at funny times. It was enjoying 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' last night. Apparently it also has something to say about Toni's poetry analysis class. I haven't felt it yet, but it is slowly becoming more real. When there were doubts about its health I could imagine it disappearing, getting smaller - I was afraid to acknowledge it, to say good morning, to talk about it. Now it grows and grows. And I get excited."

Tuesday, February 6 (Week 24)

Saturday, February 10

We attend "Gypsy" at Great Lakes Theater Festival.

Sunday, February 11

"The Gulf" closes.

Tuesday, February 13 (Week 25)

Saturday, February 17

Toni takes a free-lance assignment, reviewing Chris Howey's "Making Faces" for the Free Times.

Sunday, February 18

First Bradley Method Birthing Class.

"I press my head against her belly and I feel the baby kick my face. I listen, in the quiet, to the noises inside Toni, the noise that the baby hears (yes, now a baby, not just 'the fetus' or 'the creature') because, you know, I cannot picture it as a baby. Because it isn't one yet. I was never good at imagining myself as a grown up, nor anyone else. I do not play such fantasy games, maybe it's because my father never encouraged us to have goals. But I want to know what it is like now, to meet the baby on its own terms, not make up some imagined future I cannot possibly know.

"It's warm. It's wet. It's dark. It swims around, there's still enough room. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. But it swims around in there, and kicks, registers its opinion to its mother."

Tuesday, February 20 (Week 26)

Guests at Bad Epitaph's CARNIVAL (Toni at far left.)

Saturday, February 24

Bad Epitaph's "CARNIVAL" Benefit, to raise money for our spring classic, "The Alchemist." As with most fund-raisers, I get a migraine while everyone else enjoys themselves immensely.

Sunday, February 25

I attend auditions for Bad Epitaph's "The Alchemist"

Second Bradley Method Class

Monday, February 26

I attend auditions for Bad Epitaph's "The Alchemist"

Tuesday, February 27 (Week 27)

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